Like the morning sun inviting the dawn to break

I’m here to see if you can fly with broken wings

If you had wings, what do you think they would be like?

I once closed my eyes and imagined my wings, they where big, i imagined them bigger but i guess the years of tough work had worn them down. They where white and went from my shoulders to just above my bottom, the feathers were crumpled, broken and the tips where dirty, like a sooty black colour. I reached round to touch them and when i did, it hurt, they carried the many painful memories that had worn them down, they carried them everywhere i went. I touched them time and time again, i tried different things and wished them not to hurt me but they continued to do so. My mind told me i needed to let go but i didnt understand, i never knew how. How can you possibly fly with such broken wings?

I sat crying, touching these painful memories every few minutes. I collected my tears in buckets, each bucket held a different memory. I sat for days in a room, full of buckets festering in pain, so much so that i started to look worn down, my hair started getting stringy and dirty, i was pale and dirty. My dress was ripped and my wings were wearing away more and more. I looked in a mirror, a mirror that was cracked and shattered into a thousand small peices, i picked a peice up and it bought back a memory, of blood and sharp pain; it was then i realised i could sit and dwell in the past or i could move on and be free.

If you have broken wings you need to learn to believe in yourself, there are millions of people who share the same scar, wherever you are. You are not the only person with broken wings, there will be people with wings more broken then yours and peoples whos wings arnt as broken as yours, these people are looking to you for hope, so if you give up and let your wings fade and die, they will to and soon there shall be no wings left, everybody will be stuck in a pit, unable to get out.

I got up and used my buckets of my tears to wash myself, i ripped my dress and used the material to put my hair up so i could see and with a little more of the material i managed to fix my wings enough to be able to fly, i flew so high i was untouchable and even though i knew the knots wouldn’t last forever, i just knew each time they undone, i would have to try twice as hard to do them up twice as tight.

I carried on flying high and people would look at me, i would tell them my story and give them hope and with that hope some would join me, others - it would take longer for them to do so.

Everyone fixes their wings in different ways, some peoples wings may never fix which is why you should never forget others are there for you. Some people have been flying for years and have become so strong that they can carry you too, you shouldn’t be afraid to ask.

My advice is never give up, never look down too far, look towards the future and never forget you can always fly with broken wings.

Thank you xxx

I say perfection; you say imperfection

Hair that was wild yet beautiful, curly yet straight, how could she possibly think it looked scruffy? A complextion she dies for yet to her its not what she wants, rosy cheeks that she says are too rosy, her nose too pointy when all i see is pure perfection. Eyes so bright, big and blue i could get lost in them, how can she see them as dull?

Her lips such a perfect shape to kiss, so pink and shiney - her fingers delicatly grasping the lipstick tube, her shiny, ruby long red nails almost match her lipstick and the thing i love about her is that she wouldnt have done that intentionally - it’s just the way she is.

Her body is one most girls would wish for but when they had it, they wouldnt see they had it and still wish for it untill they get older, ruin it and realise but ofcourse then, it’s too late.

The neck of her is complimented so well by that silver chain with a tear drop shaped diamond at the end of it, i love how her collar bones stick out a little too. Her arms were long and thin, with a heavy, white, thick scar which i never knew could look so good on somebody going all the way down to her hand on her right arm. Her breasts were so amazing, the right shape, the right size and i loved how they didnt drop too much and how when she bent over they would give the best cleavage you could see, yet to her they were nothing more than ”useless lumps on her body”

Her hips, big and wide to her but but tight and sexy to me; you could almost bounce off of them. Her waist is one you could wrap your arms around a million times and still have room for more but to her it just wasnt small enough. Her stomache, so flat and soft yet she can always find some bump or pinch some skin she didnt want. Her legs were tight in the right places and long yet she covers them in tights saying she doesnt like them, that they are too fat.

Her dress was tight, it complimented her perfectly but ofcourse, she didnt think so. It was blue, corset at the top and frothed out at the bottom, it had some kind of golden swirl all over it, the golden swirls matched her hair and the blue matched her eyes, she would turn and twist infront of the mirror, bend in positions you could never imagine, she breathed in so far and held it while feeling her body and then let out a huge sigh.

She would slip on her heels which made her gain a good few inches, they were black, and plain but suited what she was wearing. She then got up and twisted and turned infront of the mirror again.

Finally she sat on the end of her bed with her head in her hands and let out a moan, she cried and lay back on the bed, even tears could not make her ugly even though when she sat up her mascara was running everywhere and her face was a different colour from where the foundation got blotchy because of the tears, she looked in the mirror and said to herself how disgusting she looked, and took everything off, just another wasted night of trying to make myself look beautiful she said to herself while wiping away a final tear and getting into bed.

She never needed all that make up, all them clothes because i would have her just the way she is now, getting into bed beside her.

Dystopia

The cold, empty feeling just lay inside her gut. It was as if her whole entire world had come to a sudden halt which completely threw her off the tracks of her own life. What happens next when you’re 12 and your friend dies suddenly, from suicide? Where do you go? What do you do? Do you even understand fully?

She did not speak as she didn’t understand how to anymore without the sound of cries coming out instead. The feelings and memories running fast out of her eyes trying to get away, her tears as clear as rain but slightly tainted by the thought in her mind. Completely collapsed in mind she didn’t know what to do next; so she just sat there in total blankness inside her room. The room she sat in had black and white walls which she sat and scratched at for hours as she is trying to find the colour and although it is there she cannot see it anymore. A light is the only thing keeping the room lit up as she looks towards it, it slowly fades away into darkness. She reaches out to it but it’s being taken away from her too fast, just like everything else.

As she looks around she sees nothing, just four plain walls and a worn away chipped stone cold floor. As she looks around she is finding it increasingly hard to keep her eyes open, it’s like she’s too tired to keep awake but she only feels it in her eyes which are heavy and droopy. She is worried and scared about what is going to happen next, and then all she sees is black, black and more black. Her eyes, it’s like somebody has super glued them shut, was this a way that the memory couldn’t escape or was this her body trying to block out things it didn’t want her seeing? She can feel herself struggling and stumbling around the room trying to find something to hold onto, but there was nothing and in fear she opens her mouth to scream out but knows nobody will ever hear her. Suddenly, she stops. She feels a tickling sensation on her arm, it moves to her legs and she smiles as it seems to be releasing pain, pain then strikes up, she grabs her arm and touches it all over pulling it close to her body. It was quick, it felt nice but what she couldn’t see was how deep the pain really went inside her, to this she was blind. Her eyes suddenly opened wide and they had a sort of glazed over wet look. Tears started pouring out again, each one of them shattering like a thousand shards of glass as they hit the ground.

Slumped in the corner unable to move forward she lifted her numb arm to wipe away her tears, she then catches a glimpse of her arms which is covered in blood. She panics and looks down at her legs, her dress if covering the mess, as she tries to lift it she cries because it is stuck to her, stuck like it doesn’t want to let go. She lay there in total silence apart from the memory shattering on the floor every where and there wondering what is going to happen next.
She is cold, the sky is black, her walls are scratched and her world feels like it is ending.

She remembers, a few nights before when she had seen her friend and spent the whole night with her, laughing and joking, she wonders why life had to be so nasty to her. The good memories she has are struggling to survive; they are being strangled and drowned in sadness. She’ll waste these nights for a while but she will be holding onto them forever no matter what happens it will always be hard to erase the feelings she has drawn. She had been sleeping with the sunrise watching hours pass away but incidentally she’s just waiting for dusk to kill the day..
She lay there doing the same thing over and over again for a good few months although it seemed more, as every day was just a drain and such pain for her to go through. She didn’t want to go through with it but couldn’t leave anybody in the pain she is in now, so she will just live with the pain every day of her life and pretend it isn’t there.

As each day passed she realised she was playing a game and she was check mate every time as each day ended. A huge part of her was missing and sometimes she wishes it was something people could see, so she didn’t have to make excuses and so people knew when to stop in jokes and so people wouldn’t judge her for the way she acts. She went through life never feeling the same and sometimes felt like a completely different person all together, she never knew where she stood in her own life let alone other peoples lives and that was hard for her. She felt an emptiness in her everyday life and often cried while she was alone just because the pain got too much for her to cope with, somehow she always carried on with life but always lived in fear of what was coming next. She has to accept that she will never be the same person ever again, but doing that is painful, so here she is stuck in her dystopia.

None of us are angels

I like to watch the sky get light whilst sat on my bed, just like i used to. It gets light faster and faster as each day goes by. I’ve got that empty feeling, it never seems to go, ever. Just lies in my gut feeling completely lifeless and hurtful, apparently it will never go..It is the peice of my body that somebody took away from me and that i shall never have back. I dont sleep ‘till 9am and even then i find it hard..the constant noise of my fan numbs the noise in my head, the covers wrap what feels like a bruised aching body to make it feel warm and cosy I sleep upside down, the wrong way round, diagonal any way that feels comfortable at that particular moment with my pillows doing the job i need people to do. I wake up constantly where i will sit and think, look out my window or wonder around the house looking for something, nothing. I usually then wake up completely at 4pm where i may go down for food but as the days go on my appetite seems to get less and less yet i seem to be getting fatter and fatter? Maybe its the snacks i eat..who knows. My mum asks me if i’m okay, i mumble and scuttle back up to my bedroom where i sit, curtains shut, fan and music loud with a blanket over my knees and my hair tied back with yesterdays make up on. I only really get up to go to the toilet or take a pointless walk around the house, blocking out everything but myself. My mum tells me i cant keep on like this. Phone rings, i reject. I look a state, i feel a state and i don’t want anybody but my close friends to see me looking like this.
People say they are there for me, step back and before saying you are there for me think about what your doing and then maybe re-frase your sentence. It doesnt feel like you are. I only want someone to come to mine and just sit with me, so i can have a shoulder to cry on or someone to just uplift my mood for atleast a few hours, but you are all too busy having other fun to seem to want to do that. You’ll be there for me over the computer but when it comes to bothering to see me, you’d rather wait..even though you insist you wouldnt. I need to talk about boys, hair, make up and i need to cry, i need them to help me with my next step because i cant do this on my own yet people seem to believe i am strong enough. i need to lean on people but nobody wants to be lent on, what am i supposed to do? I’ve had the same song on repeat now for nearly half an hour, i like the sound of the pianno playing in it, it helps somehow. I stop typing and day dream for a few minutes and then comming back around i wonder what to write next but the truth is i don’t know what to write. Looking and reading back what i’ve written; some of you will understand, some of you wont, some of you will say im attention seeking others will think im completely off my head. Some will be angry and upset about what i’ve written and some may even jump to conclusions but the one thing i want you to remember, i’m finding it incredibly hard to confront people at the moment through fear of being rejected and this is a way of adressing it as a whole but not mentioning anything personal. I cannot help the way i feel and trust me, i wish i could. I just need somebody, and unfortunatly that somebody who i need doesnt seem to be comming.

Dream

I keep on having dreams, in which voices are calling me.
You could say this is a normal dream, but the voices are not that of the living.
They’re the dead, calling for me to help them, screaming, shouting, moaning.
Last night my dream was of my family, moving into a house, it was beautiful, white and pure with a sort of nautical theme to it. The sun was shining and the grass was as green as it could be. The house was abit like a maze though, I was drawn towards a wall, where there used to be a door. It had been boarded up, filled in and completely closed off. I couldn’t seem to get myself away from this wall, i tried pushing it open, as i did i was let in the room, well to what i thought i was. It turns out i was having a vision, from a boy, i wasn’t in the room but i could see it. It had a sort of green tint to it, very old looking, with maps over the walls. The boy was sitting on the bed, he told me things, he told me he knows i can hear him, that i had to help him get out. Then before i knew it, i was back in the room with the door closed off. I kept hearing the voices, they were screaming, especially him. He was only a child, it hurt. I tried to help, but not only was he nagging and screaming at me for help but he was playing mind games with me. It confused me and annoyed me, yet i continued to help him.
It turns out, the house we moved into, used to be part of a ship, he had drowned but only in that one room, it was submerged by water, murkey, muddy, dirty water, i guess that figures from the green tint.
I don’t know how i got him out, if i even got him out, but i know at the end of my dream, or the last bit i can remember of it, he was sat in the same room, but with it was modern and clean, with a small red baby bike at the end of his bed, on the floor. he had his older or younger sister sat with him on his bed. She had long beautiful blond hair, his was dark and short. She was looking at him, touching his face and looking so excited to see him, he looked so happy also. The last thing i remember was him looking up at me and smiling. Maybe i passed him over, who knows.

What a dream.

Thank you for reading.